The manager of an abuse support community has verbally punished someone’s child alter and restricted her time out in her own body, and her adults allowed it. Why? Because the manager has accused this child alter of coming out in the manager’s body and shoplifting, and getting caught in the act. Sounds absurd? Shockingly, this actually happened.
The Dangers of the Internet for the Multiple
How did this person get away with it? First, the manager (lets call the manager Susan) built up trust between them by pretending to be multiple as well. She assured this vulnerable system (that I will call Mary) that she heself was very intelligent and empowered, and will help heal Mary faster than any therapist, using herself as an example of stability. Second, she exercised authority from her managerial position in the group to extend beyond the parameters of the internet. She labeled each alter, such as protector, core, host, ISH, and so on, stating what these roles are and what they need to do in regards to system functionality. A multiple, especially a newly-diagnosed multiple, is eager for any information on their new life as an aware system, and most definitely want to be accepted and not feel “crazy”. Susan knew how to “assist” in that regard, thus causing people such as Mary to depend on her for knowledge and insight about themselves.
There is usually one alter who causes trouble for all the rest in many systems. Susan was quick to call out this alter and give affection, and eventually calm this alter, usually coming to some sort of system negotiation. This was step three. As helpful as it may be, it was just another snare for Mary. Now her entire system was indebted to Susan. They respected her, nearly revered her. Her promise to be healed by Susan's methods faster than in therapy was turning out to be true! This progress was made online, not through real- life talk therapy. Step four was to gain an intimate relationship with the most powerful and vulnerable parts of Mary’s system. The “protectors” would view Susan as a source of peace, someone to look up to and depend upon. Susan may send gifts in the mail, or even money, which would make Susan appear something like Santa Claus.
Being as desperate for good family relationships as an abuse victim usually tends to be, Susan would introduce the idea that Mary’s people were loved and cared for, and Susan would be “honored” to adopt this child alter as a son or daughter, or be an uncle or grandfather figure to that protector, take him or her "under his wing" as it were. Continued protection and love was promised. In time, perhaps even another kind of intimate relationship would come about, in the form of cyber sex. Children born from these inner unions would be encouraged, thus causing even more entanglement. Now, for Mary to leave Susan altogether would be very, very difficult. “You would take away little Mary’s only loving mother? Did I do something wrong or bad?”
Remember what is written in my co-con article about dissociation, a.k.a. states of trance. Being in a constant trance state makes one more easily fooled and tricked. Keep in mind as well that multiples have an inside environment that is not easily understood by those who are not multiple, and the comment that "it's all in your head" is very invalidating. It is meant as an insult, stating that it is simply an overactive imagination, not anything real or of substance. Those who know their inner environments know how real it is when they are exploring it, so an alternative answer is sought. A common answer is that there are alternate realities either already in place or created by individuals. Some people that are not multiple firmly believe in astral travel. In some multiple social circles, this inner environment is called "headspace". It is reaffirming that real insiders are literally born as a result of these astral liasons. All of these put together, especially to someone dissociative, is very confusing! This confusion can create a psychological weakness that predators prey upon. For that reason, do not go advertising your vulnerability.
Finally, the use of cyber-reality would confuse Mary’s system. If what happened in a pc (private conversation) box became real, such as a child, or really feeling a cyber hug for a little one, or rocking a little one, what else could be real? If these feeling stayed inside the system, as was always the case, perhaps a little one or a protector could visit that other system for a while. They could use astral travel, and travel to another system’s world. Sometimes, such ideas had already been used by abusers, such as SRA abusers, so the idea of astral travel would be readily accepted, and indeed validating, something a therapist would never accept as real. Being with people they loved for a longer period of time would be very appealing to Mary. So Susan educated Mary on what astral travel is, and voila! Now Susan has complete control of Mary’s system. They could "do" things in Susan’s head and Mary would not know that it didn’t happen. In fact, Mary believed Susan so much, she was very ashamed to hear that her own child had shoplifted, and the little one was sorely punished.
It didn’t matter that Susan regularly shoplifted anyway. She could console herself when caught by the police by transferring blame and guilt onto someone else, and that made Susan feel better. The fact that Susan wasn’t even a multiple was easily hidden. If someone had accused her of lying, a good dozen people just like Mary would jump up in Susan’s defense, usually with the argument that someone as knowledgeable as she had to be a multiple. The defense would be vehement, because the idea that all this had been a ruse would be horrifying. Horrifying, and deeply, deeply shameful.
Why would someone go to such lengths? The sad truth is, many people love power, and just having such power and a dedicated following can be exhilarating. To say “Jump” and have dozens, perhaps hundreds of individuals ask “How high?” can be an ego trip better than any drug can give. Sometimes they get monetary benefits. What if Susan couldn’t pay her bills and was about to lose her internet and phone, perhaps her home? Mary and others like her sent money to help her pay her bills, so they would remain in contact.
Now, just by reading this, you have educated yourself on one behavior to look for. Breaking down and explaining the steps of system takeover makes each step understandable. Knowledge is power, and now you are more empowered. Congratulations!
But, if this scenario sounds familiar to you and you worry you may be in a relationship like this, don’t worry, there’s still time to be free.
Transference/Counter-Transference
In the relationship of therapist and client, two warning signs to look out for are transference and counter-transference [see Appendix A]. When looking for a support group, these are things not often thought of, especially in peer-run support groups. The problem is actually very common. Whereas in personal contact support groups, a basis of reality is always present; meaning you always know where you are and whom you are talking to. In online support groups and mailing lists, however, this is lacking, and here danger awaits.
Online, especially in multiple systems, reality is easily bent to fit the situation. For example: a child in a multiple system is upset and flashing back to a bad memory, and writes about this in the forum. A concerned adult in another multiple system will come to her aid and comfort her by pretending to be rocking her, singing, and offering “safe hugs”. Through this, the child is comforted and a small crisis has passed. Reality is temporarily suspended to fit the emotional needs of the child. It is forgotten for a while that an adult body is typing to another adult body on the computer, separated by hundreds of miles and connected by wires. By itself, this can be okay.
This in itself does not present itself as dangerous, and when the two parties are informed of the dangers of transference and counter-transference, the relationship can be kept at a healthy level. However, many multiples greatly desire to be comforted and have all of their emotional needs met. People do need people, and they also need the experience of good family relationships to grow emotionally healthy at each stage of life. Many multiples have been consistently abused by their families, and so the emotional needs at each stage of life were not met, and growth was stunted.
This is where transference enters.
A child in a multiple system needs to be loved, and needs to feel the love of a safe parent. Other multiple systems are sympathetic to this, and, being many in one person, will find it relatively easy to attempt to fill this void in the child’s life, and in a way, this is like "rescuing" their own young selves and giving the comfort they needed. To complicate this, many abuse victims are co-dependant [see Appendix B], and don’t know proper boundaries. The result of this is becoming enmeshed [see Appendix C]. The relationships are not limited to parent/child, but can also be extended to (but not limited to) brother/sister, grandparent/grandchild, and even lovers. If either of these parties fails in any relationship expectations, one may find counter-transference.
Another all too common threat is control. An individual and even another system can easily manipulate and control another system if there are no boundaries.
Sigmund Freud first identified the psychological process of transference and brought it into what is now modern day psychotherapy. As a therapist he noticed that people had strong feelings and fantasies about him that had no basis in reality. But Freud died before there was such a thing as "rock and roll." Transference has become a more modern concept since Freud. In fact, many people believe transference is actually something that happens in life - and not just psychotherapy.
What is Transference? During transference, people turn into a "biological time machine". A nerve is struck when someone says or does something that reminds you of your past. This creates an "emotional time warp" that transfers your emotional past and your psychological needs into the present. In less poetic terms, a transference reaction means that you are reacting to someone in terms of what you need to see, you are afraid of or what you see when you know very little about the person. This all happens without you knowing why you feel and react the way you do.
What Is Projection? Some people refer to transference as a "projection." In this case you are projecting your own feelings, emotions or motivations into another person without realizing your reaction is really more about you than it is about the other person. In a life filled with transference, your job may be "the family reunion you are avoiding and you are forced to go to each day." In other cases of projection, your girlfriend may remind you of all the irritating things your mother did when you were growing up. Love at first sight is usually a projection – especially if it ends in disaster and you could have seen it coming.
Harmful Patterns. Transference reactions are caused by unmet emotional needs, neglect, seductions and other abuses that transpired when you were a child. In some forms of psychotherapy, a therapist will intentionally create or allow transference to form. When done properly, this helps a therapist to understand and find a connection between the patient’s past and how the patient misreads the present and may react ineffectively. Once you discover a transference pattern, you can chose to respond in terms of what is really happening instead of what happened 20 or 30 years ago. People who don’t recognize the difference between past and present can end up in the same messed–up relationships over and over or with the same problem over and over.
Extreme Transference. In an extreme form of transference, you may conclude that someone is an awful or evil person when in fact that person’s favorite food and television show reminds you of an emotionally abusive mother and a sexually abusive brother you have been trying to forget since childhood. That’s an example of negative transference. A warm, supportive and kind person could remind you of what you are missing and wanting in their life. You might then idealize that person and begin to see him or her as wonderful beyond belief. The idea is that you will react to your therapist based on your experience with another person. This is usually a parent that the patient has an unresolved conflict with. In extreme cases a patient will become overly attached to their therapist or they will enter into and create conflicts without realizing how.
Transference Melt-Downs. Extreme forms of transference can turn into a full-blown obsession if it is not dealt with. Transference "meltdowns" can result in accidents, dangerous choices, nightmares, fantasies, stalking someone, psychotic reactions and sometimes violence. While it does not happen frequently in therapy, it can happen in the the patient's personal life.
How Can You Tell? How do you know you are having a "transference reaction"? It’s not always easy, but you probably are if you know very little about a therapist (or anyone) and you are having a powerful reaction that is not justifiable to a reasonable person. It can be difficult if the patient can rationalize their reactions. Having a strong sexual attraction to your therapist is almost always a transference reaction, unless of course your therapist is actually hitting on you – and they’re not supposed to do that on purpose. Intentionally seducing a vulnerable patient in sick and wrong! In fact that applies to any health-related profession or any employer-employee relationship. Becoming angry at you therapist as if they were a parent is a good sign that there is a transference reaction. Termination of treatment pre-maturely is another sign of transference - unless the therapist is just doing a bad job.
Counter-Transference. Therapists and other health care professionals can also have transference reactions while treating a patient. It’s a two way street. Counter-transference is basically a therapist’s "emotional time warp" around their patient’s transference. In other words, counter-transference is a therapist’s counter- reaction. That’s why some therapists think they are falling in love with their patients. That’s also why older guys become obsessed with younger female employees they barely know.
Ethics And The Law. A therapist, counselor and even a physician could possibly lose their license for seducing or sleeping with a patient they are treating. Trying to seduce an employee on the job may result in a successful lawsuit. You can also sue a licensed mental health professional for sleeping with you if you are their patient. And employers must follow the law. On the other hand, unlicensed therapist can do almost whatever they want and there may be nothing anyone can do about it. It’s hard to sue an employer and win. Unlicensed therapists do not have a "duty" to act within a standard of practice. Employers may not know the law.
Unseen Dangers. Transference can sometimes produce a powerful love or a destructive hatred based on a complete illusion. There can be a loud and painful thud when people act on their transference reactions and the bubble finally bursts. In addition to being embarrassed, it can also backfire. Sometimes people will end up stalking, assaulting or killing someone. Please don’t kill yourself or anyone because of some transference from your childhood. And if you think your therapist, or an employer for that matter, is seducing you, tell your therapist, or contact a licensed therapist to talk about it.
Should I or Shouldn’t I Risk Transference. Transference is really difficult to recognize, deal with and understand, but it is incredibly interesting. I tend to avoid people who are "oozing" with transference potential. Working with transference, or creating transference in therapy can make a therapist look mystical and brilliant. Cult therapies are based in part on generating positive transference to control and manipulate people. I avoid treatment approaches that artificially inflate my ego, would allow me to control anyone and make me feel powerful. But not everyone feels the way I do about transference. Some counselors and therapists love the power and think they can handle it. A therapist must face transference issues and encourage patients to deal with them as much as possible. In some cases a patient is not able to deal with transference issues and will terminate therapy. While it is regrettable and potentially a lost opportunity, it must be supported.
Dr. Conner is a clinical and family psychologist who completed a research and training fellowship in graduate medical education and health education. He provides training, evaluation and intervention services for adults, families and youth. He is Board Certified in Traumatic Stress, Emergency Crisis Intervention and EmergencySchool Response . This article is also available at www.CrisisCounseling.Com. Dr. Conner’s practice is located in BendOregon and he can be reached at 541 388-5660 or Conner@CrisisCounseling.Com or www.Education-Options.Com
Appendix B
What is codependency? What's the definition?
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
How do I know if I’m codependent?
Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re codependent.
·hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
·physical illness related to stress
Isn’t everyonecodependent?
There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.
Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.
If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?
Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
·It’s not okay to talk about problems
·Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
·Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
·Be strong, good, right, perfect
·Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
·Don’t be selfish
·Do as I say not as I do
·It’s not okay to play or be playful
·Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life
Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
--Beverly Sills
Oftentimes, a part of being codependent is a resistance to being able to HAVE FUN AND PLAY! ;) So part of recovery from codependency is learning how to let go and have fun. Therefore it’s bound to be liberating, and fun as we learn how to let go and play.
How can counseling help?
For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication. Counseling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.
In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of their own tendency towards codependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the case of codependency, need to present good boundary setting and healthy living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a working relationship with a client that has codependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So one must be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support.
There are also self-help groups for codependency, called CODA groups. More information is available through local alcoholism services. If you can’t find a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups) that deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with.
The term "Enmeshment" comes from the family systems theory tradition. Enmeshment refers to a condition where two or more people weave their lives and identities around one another so tightly that it is difficult for any one of them to function independently. The opposite extreme way of relating, Detachment, refers to a condition where the people are so independent in their functioning that it is difficult to figure out how they are related to one another. Healthy relationships are thought to be described by the space between enmeshment and detachment.
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. - Jan 1st 2000. Collection: Mental Health
