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Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. Ineed all the preservatives I can get. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for remodeling". *Caution - leave air holes. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese. The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I am in shape. Round's a shape... I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Have you ever noticed anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Can you cry under water? When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now, I just "chunky dunk." How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? Taxes? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they, "slept like a baby," when babies wake up, like, every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you in a movie, but you are on TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings, then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President, and 50 for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he or she call? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming, then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of crayons & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares,...and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.' 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!" And last but not least: 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!!!"

Lawyer vs. Doctor

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.The following true exchange says it all: Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?" Doctor: "That's correct." Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?" Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy." Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?" Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later." Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?" Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially." Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room." Doctor: "That is what the records indicate." Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?" Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and that was the cause of death." Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?" Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas. 7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.) 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral". 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious literature to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space". 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

Funny Stories

College Theme Paper: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. ---------------------------------------------------------------- (STORY) (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ----------------------------------------------------------- (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully . --------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky. ---------------------------------------------------------- (rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ---------------------------------------------------------- (gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) *sshole. ---------------------------------------------------------- (gary) B*tch. ---------------------------------------------------------- (rebecca) W*nker. ---------------------------------------------------------- (gary) Slut. ---------------------------------------------------------- (rebecca) Get f*cked. ---------------------------------------------------------- (gary) Eat sh*t. ---------------------------------------------------------- (rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ---------------------------------------------------------- (gary) Go drink some tea - wh*re.. ********************************************** (teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.

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